The Damage is Done

I have been thinking alot the past few weeks about DAMAGED GOODS.

I LOVE to clearance shop. Sometimes I will find a terrific deal on something, just because it has a small stain, a tiny piece missing or some other issue that makes a store unable to sell it at their normal price, so they clearance it, just for scroungers like me to find at a "bargain basement" price. I scoop it up, bring it home, repair it or clean it, and am proud to show off my deal that is perfectly fine after all!!

I can be really passionate about finding the good in something, and I think that whole mind set is what often drives me on to my expectations of people. I think as I am nearing the ripe old age of 50 this summer that I have become MUCH less judgemental of those around me, and have tried really hard to find the underlying goodness that must surely be in every one.

This is one way that those beliefs are playing out in our lives lately:

We have adopted 7 kids. Those who know us have their own opinions of what we've done and why we've done it, but it really boils down to one fact: we wanted to be parents.

Because we were not able to have more than three children biologically, we met a little 4 year old who needed us about 8 years ago, and we fell in love with her. Her adoption lead us into a foster care program where we were able to welcome other children into our home, some with the intent to adopt from day one, and others whom we assumed would be short term members of our family. Fast forward to 2010, and we have added seven lives into the fold, and each of them have entered our front door with their own sets of challenges.

I have never thought of our children as anything other than "our children." Lately, with counseling appointments, psychotherapists involvement, and intense school meetings were we are partnering to determine our kids needs, the term "damaged" continues to surface.

Damaged. Damaged children. Children do not enter foster care without having trauma in their lives. Children who lose parents, for any reason, come into a new family with past issues (resolved or not) and past experiences that either help them adjust or hinder their adjustment into a new family. But there is always major adjustments. What we know now is, the damage done in their previous lives, continues on for a very long time, and often, the end result will still spell "damage."

Damaged lives. Trauma that keeps them fearful. Issues that make them question their self worth, their ability to love and be loved and the inability to trust. Some kids absorb (to the point of suffocation) all the love out of others. Some kids push love away like a plaque. For those of us who are determined to LOVE them in spite of their challenges, it often feels like every ounce of energy is sucked out of our bones. It's like wrestling with a tiger, and it feels like the tiger will eventually win. You can't help but wonder, "why try?"

Damaged lives. Children, who were helpless pawns in the lives of irresponsible parents, pay for their pain in countless ways. Sleepless nights, or fantasy worlds that could never be true, but they need their fantasy to ease their endless pain. Some lie, cheat, steal - possibly because the skills they needed to learn was never taught in their early years, and maybe because they knew in order to survive, they had to have the moxie to do whatever it took to "make it."

I have both kinds of kids. Kids I want to trust, but know it's still a long time away before they earn that trust, and kids that I need to push into every crevice of learning to assure that they at least TRY the things that are out of their comfort zone.

They are lonely in a crowd, emotionally younger than their peers. They look good on the outside, and yet are jumbled like scrambled eggs in their tiny hearts. They make poor decisions, if they can make them at all, and they pay repeatedly for making the worst choices possible. I often want to throw my hands up and say, "I don't think I can make a difference in their lives. It's just soooo hard to see that anything I have done can really help them at all!!"

But, we trudge on. They deserve it. They are damaged due to their birth parents choices, and someone has to help the cycle of damages STOP. I wonder how much we can really do, but I can not imagine not trying. I can't stop advocating for them, surrounding them with positives, and continuing to love them in spite of their behaviours.

I don't like the title of "damaged children." It's what they are, though. They have stains, and rips in their hearts, and pieces missing that is not one single fault of their own. But they are WORTH whatever trouble it takes to try to work out those damages in each of their lives, and hopefully one day we can proudly say, "Look where you came from, and look at how you shine now!!"

Not because of me, but because God gave me this heart and I pray He continues to give me the strength, day to day, to repair, replace or restore each piece in their lives that need it.

Damaged goods? Only for a while.
Is it permanent? I hope not.
Can I make a difference...? Maybe. Hopefully.
Can God make them whole? I pray He will. He can.