I was told this week that my blog only records the good things in life.
I don't tell the whole story.
I was not sure how to answer that at the time. So I pondered the question and decided to put it to ink.
I am usually an upbeat person. I typically like to see the good in life, in people, in situations. Granted, not all days have those "good" spots, and sometimes life is just plain hard.
Sometimes the pain of what I go through makes no sense to me. Although I know God always has a plan and purpose for my life, I am sure I miss out on some of what He wants to do for me because I have my own agenda.
When my teenage son shows signs of anger, resentment or personal pain from his own boatload of past family (or lack thereof) baggage, I can't usually put it to words. How I feel for his pain. How lost he must feel. Or how inept it seems at times to try to parent a child who came to be mine because of a system that must often break family ties and create new ones for safety's sake. There are often no words to describe the struggle, the anquish, the resentment. How do I write about something where there are no words to describe what we are going through?
When my nearly-teen daughter struggles with her self image in a very self-conscious world, how can I put the most personal of our feelings in a format that anyone can read should they log onto my site? Is it fair to her to expose what she is going through, that surely will pass as she crosses into adulthood, because I needed to put my own words for her insecurities on paper?
When my 11 year old is wondering who she looks like the most - me, or her birth mom - is it something that I can discuss,with prying eyes, her most vulnerable feelings of acceptance into a family who, try as we might, she never will really "look" like one of us?
Or what about the 8 year old that still whines excessively, fantasizes about what her "real" mom did with her and all the fabulous places they went to as a family "before she came here," and the struggles she will have for the rest of her life in social situations, all because her birthmom thought alcohol was more important during her pregnancy than the life she had forming in her belly? How can I kindly write about something that angers me still?
When I discuss the fun that the little ones bring into our life, it's not without realizing the good days outweigh the difficult ones. Are their still difficult days? Oh, yeah. Without a doubt. When the 6 year old, who entered this world 13 weeks early as an extreme preemie, still cries with belly aches because of the issues caused due to her birthmom's drug crazed lifestyle as she carried her, and the scars she will carry for life that saved her, but also left her with pain because at less than 2 pounds, she had more than half of her small intestine removed. Bowel issues, anyone? How can I talk about that part of our day?
When we try to put the 5 year old to sleep, once again, with the aid of adult sleeping medication, because his parents regarded drugs and alcohol more important than a growing fetus, and blessed our son with issues that may cause him to NEVER sleep on his own, would anyone really believe (or care) what a night like that is like in this home? As he's a bundle of inconsistencies in behavior, and we politely turn down advice on the best way to "make him mind", we know on a moment to moment basis that his life could possibly be the toughest one we'll ever walk, but through no fault of his own, he faces challenges that most of us will never face just getting through each day. Who wants to read that blog?
Having a relationship with one of the smartest, sweetest toddlers in this world, who would care that she's been through so many different therapies to get to where she is today, and if I discussed it all, would anyone realize what a precious gem was hidden under her drug-infused tiny life, or would I sound like I was having a pity party for all I have done, and wanting sympathy for myself? Would a reader see how grateful I am for the lives entrusted to us, or would it be a redundant tale of doctor visits, therapy, counselors and pain?
So, to my friend who suggested I only write about the "good" things in life, I just have to say, if I spent too much time on the "real" part of my day, neither of us would come away from it enriched or blessed.
Life is hard for everyone. It's easiest for me to count my blessings, thank God for the good things, and try my best to focus on the ways I hope to make a difference in this world.
Yeah, I am not the best at reality. But I love the life God's given me, and if I choose to ignore the pain and count my blessings, maybe it's because that's the part of me I hope to share. Everyone has enough pain of their own. It's their choice if they want to write about it.
It's my choice to write about the best parts of my life. I hope it helps you focus on the best parts of yours, too.
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