Thursday, September 18, 2008

Another day comes to a close

I always wonder how other people put their households to sleep. The bigger kids go down easily now, but the little ones seem to linger as long as they can. Another kiss, just one more hug, as if the parting for the night is just impossible to fathom in their little minds. However, once the last sigh escapes from delicate rosebuds lips, I can begin to relax.
How? Like other moms, I am sure. I fold laundry, tidy the kitchen, plug in the cell phone so it can last during all the travels coming up tomorrow. I check voice mails, emails, and sort the snail mail to the can that calls it the loudest. I enjoy the evening that I can read the newspaper, or sometimes visit a friend.
When I finally fall into my own comfy bed, I am relieved if there are no little bodies clammering for another piece of "mommy" time. At least for a little while. If I can get some time to snooze before the pitter-pat of their little feet sneaking (or wailing!) into my room, I feel ready to begin another day.
With six of the kids still at home going to school these days, I find myself re-inventing who I am. It's been a long time since I have had so much peace, and baby Bella certainly seems easy after all the others go their daily routes.
My problem tonight? I can't stop the feeling that someone is missing from our family. We have talked at length about another baby, and at our age, that means another adoption. But that's the problem. Our age. We've looked into overseas adoptions, local adoptions, different state adoptions. Some think we are too old, others just right. The costs are exhausting just to think about, and the paperwork to complete any of them is so overwhelming this week. That's the part that rolls over in my head day in and day out. So. I find myself pining for what will probably never be now, and yet so very grateful that we are where we are. We are a family that is blessed beyond measure - and as the old testament states, our "quiver" is full!
Tonight I am ready to lay down my head and rest. But my heart restlessly ponders the "what if's" , the "I wish...", and the "If only..." Maybe mom's like me never know how to quit the feelings of wanting another child, or feeling as if "someone/somewhere out there needs me."
Until the feelings are gone, I will dream of the possibilities as if the answer will be waiting for me as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning. Dreams last for so long...and it's always much more pleasant than having no dreams at all.

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