Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Let's Talk T.P.

I think I am developing a morbid obsession with toilet paper.

I know, I know. Well-mannered folks do not discuss toilet paper. But I have to get this out of my mind.

We have a lot of butts in our house.
Mike and I have the largest, and then there are the seven smaller ones who live with us. Counting all the people who enter through our revolving front door, (and most all of them need to use the potty) and the occasional party, there are numerous butts to consider. But I have come to believe their sizes are not the issue here.

I just want to go on record and say I believe our family must be the largest consumer
(is that the term for t.p?) in town. We buy the largest pack, after many years of scientific research, of Scot Tissue. It has the most sheets per roll, has the best breakdown ability so our toilets won't clog, and it is perfume free for all the sensitive skin. It's a bargain per roll that I can not pass up!

I can stock up on everything in this house and can whip up a soup or sandwich, plus dessert, with what I keep on hand, for any one who stops by and needs to eat. I never run out of snacks, tooth paste or dental floss. I can find meat in the freezer, and there is at least a half box of cereal some where. But somehow, we are always on the last roll and have had, more than once, someone stranded.

It's usually me.

Now, I am the one who buys the TP in bulk. I feel like I am carrying pure gold as I labor to stash it on the highest shelf, out of reach of the ones who think it makes an excellent crafting material.

I have accused the older kids of stashing it in their rooms for evil TPing events.
I can never find it there.

The littlest of the kids are apt to be the stingiest users, and actually, the majority of the time I have to remind them what it is for.

But today, TODAY, I proceeded to the Throne Room just to find out the last roll, indeed, had been shredded on the floor. The ENTIRE floor. Although Scot Tissue is not known for its cloud-like softness, I believed as I traipsed through the shreds that I must be walking on clouds. No one in my family would have shredded THE LAST ROLL!

Since everyone but Bella and I were home this morning, and we had not had any visitors yet, I suspected immediately it was her.

You know who she thought it was? Carl.

He's our dog. In his cage. Sound asleep.

What would you do?

So, I gathered up a sufficient amount off the floor to finish my business, checked the supply in hiding, realizing I would have to make an emergency visit to the local Walmart, AGAIN, and turned the light out as I left the restroom.

I thought briefly of the money I am saving while I turn off every glowing light, and I tried not to obsess about the money we have just wasted on the choice of usage on that last roll.

However, I also wondered, how many rolls do NORMAL families send to the sewer on a regular basis?

And, would it be entirely weird if I labeled each one, dated the rolls, or some other way
try to account for how much TP our family uses? Kinda like a library system, although not one where they had to return anything. But, you know, a certain number of sheets per person, checked out on a daily mind wanders with the possibilities.

I am thinking the Scot Tissue company should be sending us a great big thank you note any
day now.

Hopefully when it comes in the mail, I will not be stranded!

1 comment:

Debbie said...

Oh my word! That is a hilarious post :-)

I'm quite sure you go through much more T.P. than we do here and I'm to the point of obsessive in making sure we have an over abundance in storage. I cannot stand running out of T.P. It's the worst.