Unreal, Totally

Homestudy in hand.
Immigration paperwork ready to mail tomorrow.
Taxes E-filed.
Children all asleep.


It's 10:17 on a Friday night, and I feel like we just lived through the longest week.
We were so blessed to be introduced to the birthmom of one of our adopted children. It was surreal - seeing our child's eyes in the eyes of this almost stranger. Seeing her smile on the face of another.

Our daughters birthmom has lived a long, hard life in her 26 years. She is the same age as our second daughter, and I couldn't help but notice the similarities of the two. How would I feel if I were sitting at the table with my daughter, knowing what I know of this young woman? We were both moved by compassion at her plight, and without doubt, believing she loved her children and wants the best for them even though they are not a part of her life today.

I liked her. I was prepared NOT to. But there was a deep warmth in her eyes and kindness in her comments. I want to hold on to those feelings that were stirred inside of me when I met her. I can tell my young daughter, some day, that she was wanted, loved, cherished, but not able to be cared for like a child needs from a mother. We stepped in. But her birthmom really will never step out of her life. She is a carbon copy of her mother, in all the good ways that she will need to make it through life. I hope we can help our daughter make healthy, appropriate choices in her future, but take the determination that was born into her through genetics and make a strong mark in this world.

It was unreal. I was so unprepared for the experience, but so very grateful for it today.

As the children sleep, and we enter into a busy weekend of activity with basketball games, I am reminded of how great our God is that puts us in the right place, at the right time, to do the right thing...

And some days, it just feels unreal. Totally.

Death - when it's close to home or far away

I think it's taken me several days to wrap my mind around the Haitian tragedy. I keep my television tuned to the current news and the faces haunt me when I lay in my warm bed each night. I can not fathom the loss, the extreme devastation and the pain these people have suffered and continue to suffer on a level I probably will never know. I hope I never have to.

Death. We lost a dear friend to it's grasp last week. He was a mentor to my husband, a grandfather to my oldest children and a model of the type Christian I hope to be someday. He was a selfless, precious soul, kindness and compassion oozed from his smile, his tender eyes, his work worn hands. At his funeral, while snow swirled and cold winter winds blew outside, we stood with the family and friends who mourned the passing of this great man of God. With Military honors for his service to our country, we watched the solemn process as the American flag was folded with great care and handed to the beautiful widow who loved him in life and will never forget him in death. As guns saluted him in honor, we wept for our loss, grateful that at that time he was already touching the face of God.

Then I see the funerals of fellow humans in Haiti, reeling from the harsh reality of the magnitude of deaths in their community, well over 200,000 lives snuffed out by an "act of God." An earthquake that has caused aftershocks in it's wake that create further terror as the ground continues to shake. Mothers crying over the deaths of children in the piles of rubble that they will never touch again, their cries snuffed out from their injuries and slow deaths. There are no honorable burials there, but people who have suffered much already, burying precious lives in unmarked graves, or mass burials where they pile hundreds of bodies into huge holes in the ground just to rid the immediate area of impending disease and decay.

It is a stark reminder to me that the death of our friend and the deaths in Haiti are so very different that they can not be compared to each other. However, the grieving here is planned and we are allowed time to process our grief through a compassionate service. The funerals in Haiti are performed quickly to aid in allowing rescuers to continue seeking lost and buried bodies, hoping against all odds that they may, possibly, find one more soul who is waiting for their hand to pull them from the rubble.

Has anyone else been sickened by the sad eyes of even more orphans left in a massive amount of destruction, needing basic necessities to exist one more day? For what? How many just pray for it all to end, or do they have small pieces of hope left in their hearts against the reality of their desperate situation?

As we continue to pray for the Ethiopian children who seem like a distant dream some days, I pray for the Haitian children and wish deeply that there was something more that I could do to ease their suffering. I pray that the 3 empty beds we have in our home can be filled, and the hearts of suffering, lonely children can be made whole again here.

Death is final. We all face it. It just hurts to see death come to children who are alone, scared and dying moment by moment. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Pray with me for the little orphan angels. Godspeed to the ones who are on their way home.

Brittany's Race

http://www.runnersworld.com/video/1,8052,s6-5-0-1,00.html?bcpid=2884339001&bclid=1126074425&bctid=1747278190

This is the video that highlights the Marathon that my daughter-in-law will be running this fall.

All proceeds benefit the World Vision project in Africa.

I will post more information in the near future about how to support this wonderful endeavor.

I am so proud of our Britt, and how she wants to be able to make a difference in the world with the talents God has given her.

Run, Britt!! Our prayers are with you while you train!!

Tara's 8th Birthday weekend in review....

A birthday at our house is no longer a short event. It appears they are now thought of in weekend segments. Let me explain.

When Tyler turned 13 in October, our 3rd grandson had just been born in New Jersey. We could not think of missing out on his birth, so that happened to be on the 13th, while Tyler's birthday was the 15th. Little Keane Eli was just leaving the hospital, we knew we would have to leave town to return home soon, so Tyler's birthday co-incided with a trip to the grandson's favorite pizza/play place on the night of his birthday. We made sure each of the boys had a small cake and Tyler got his own strawberry delight dessert. We took pictures, marched around the pizza place following a big grey Mouse, and celebrated Tyler's 13th, Kaid's 4th and Keegan's 2nd birthdays. Fun was had by all.

When we left Jersey, the topic of birthday parties came up on the long car ride home, and I reminded Tyler that few of his friends would have spent an extended vacation in New Jersey for their birthday like he had. He is one lucky teenager, Mouse and all. Not quite the party he expected, but he took it like a man.

Then Nic turned 12 in November. I took her shopping for the day, went to a musical presentation at our church, and had dinner out. Nice mother daughter day, and we had cake with the family the next day to celebrate again.

When Meredith was turning 6 just two days after Christmas, we planned another Mouse Pizza Party, mostly because the celebrations over the holidays had left me quite exhausted, and taking the mess somewhere else had alot of appeal to me. Plus, the kids would play, I could eat a salad and drink a diet coke, and watch the fun while Nicole took pictures for our scrapbook.

Now, just two weeks later, Tara turns 8. She determined months ago that her party would be at the local bowling alley, including pizza, a BIG TOP cake, and big sister Ash and her husband Andy would LOVE to join us too.

This is the weekend for the big party. It just happened to fall on the same weekend as the local Ice Festival, and since gramma J. came to stay the weekend with us, the celebrating started early, lasted a long time, and included everything possible that we could fit into one weekend.

We watched a Pirotechnics show last night downtown by the river, called Fire and Ice. A huge ice sculpture of an electric guitar was lit on fire in the center of the sculture, giving the appearance of burning ice. Interesting. But cold standing out in the snow. We left the riverfront park and looked for a restaurant that we could all agree on. The birthday girl was pleased with a buffet in the next town over, but after a long week, a tiring walk out in the cold and at least an hour off our normal evening schedule, we sat for a relaxing dinner to the meals of everyone's choosing. Right.

Tom had broken the Glow stick he got at the ice festival, announcing "My thing broke in half and my hands are glowing green..." We entered the restaurant, admonishing the children that we would mind our manners and enjoy our meal before returning home for a movie night.

Somewhere during the meal Mike announced that our table was going to get the award for the noisiest, messiest one. Tom attacked Bella for stealing his strawberry jello, while Bella screamed at the top of her lungs in revolt. Tara was eating a bowl of ice cream without a spoon, as the three oldest discussed who was the funniest. I looked at gramma J. who kept humming quietly, eating her dinner, when Mere put her head back and began howling. It seems they had just watched "Where the Wild Things Are" and she was mimicking the end where they all howled.

Gramma J. and I shook our heads in disbelief, realizing we could cry or laugh, but laughing seemed the only thing that we could do to get through the rest of our meal.

This morning the birthday celebration began with a huge breakfast with all grandparents joining us at home. By 1:00 we were back at the Ice Fest to check out the sculptures, and to enjoy the Hunter Ice Cream (made with the original recipe from the early 1900's) while we froze our ....well, it was cold, but the kids didn't notice that at all. They just enjoyed the sledding, the ice cream treats, and the plan that we would be meeting at the bowling alley for pizza, cake and two games of bowling with 12 of us.

When my parents got to the bowling alley to share in the birthday fun, dad smiled and said, "I don't know too many people who take 7 young kids bowling just for the fun of it."

I realized the gifts were opened, the cake that I made at midnight last night was devoured, and the birthday girl of the weekend was thrilled that her party had gone off without a hitch. The mess was not at home, and exhausted kids were smiling and not wanting the party to end.

Birthday success. Happy kids. Gramma packed up and headed back home until the next party. A long birthday celebration, but a weekend for the memory books. And in 19 days we get to try to top this one when Bella turns 3.

I think I will sleep on that one and dream of the possibilities. Happy Birthday, my sweet, big girl, Tara.

In the Right Direction.

I received an email yesterday from our social worker. The HOMESTUDY IS COMPLETE!!

If you have never gone through an international adoption, perhaps that news is not all that exciting to you. This is why it's extremely exciting to us:

We started over a year ago with our first homestudy agency. We had joined adoption forums about a year previous to that, and figured since we had adopted 7 children domestically, we were old hats at this. Wrong.

We started praying about the country we wanted to adopt from. I researched Liberia (closed), Haiti (wouldnt' accept our family size), and Russia (too long in country for me to leave my family.)

We poured our hearts out over waiting list children, looking into their eyes and requesting information on each one. By the time the agencies got back to us, the children had been placed, or for some reason we would not fit the criteria for adopting them. My heart sank a bit each time. We decided Ethiopia would be the best fit for our family, and researched agencies who place children from there. We sent off our application fees, then contracted with a placing agency. That was Jan. 09.

After our contract was reviewed and signed (ALOT of reading!!), we had located a homestudy agency in Michigan, and began the tedious process. We bought required reading books, studied the country of Ethiopia and dreamed of the children who would soon be part of our family. Mike and I spent HOURS writing out our personal history, our reason for adopting again, and everything about us and our families that would matter in the end. By the time our social worker showed up to begin the homestudy, we were so psyched and pumping every ounce of energy into making our remodel projects complete, and getting ready for our new children.

Social worker #1. Discouraging. To. Say. The. Least. After 7 frustrating months, we received a letter stating our social worker had left the agency, and the comments he left about us in his wake were less than desirable. We had close friends and family question if this was "God's plan to stop the adoption process", and our hearts sank a little more. I cried tears for the children we would never meet, the plans that I thought God wanted for us, and the turn of events that had stopped me cold in my tracks.

But a small, still voice spoke peace and comfort in our ears, so stepping out on faith once again, we contacted another agency, who seemed more than willing to give their best shot. The first agency refunded our initial expenses (unheard of, from what we hear now) and we really had lost very little with that attempt. Except time. Which can not be refunded, ever. God continued to speak to our hearts cry, while, step by step, we moved closer to what we understood to be HIS will.

Social worker #2. An answer to prayer. Mary Beth was kind, a hopeful adoptive mom herself, and loved our big family. She was supportive, never critical, could see our hearts and knew God still had a big plan for us. What a perfect fit! We went through hours of training, in person and on-line, read different books than the first time, and we were on our way. More than half the year was over, but we were hopeful again.

My oldest daughter got married in the fall, went through surgery, then recovery, and we knew that the timing was perfect. We could see why we still hadn't gone to Ethiopia yet, because we were needed here. But then the waiting for the homestudy felt like it was dragging on,so we questioned again, would we ever get our children? Pregnancies last 9 months. It felt like we should be nearing the end of ours. September. October. November. Still waiting. December.

I started to lose my focus. We were approached by a man who asked if we would be interested in another domestic adoption. I jumped, heart first. It never worked out. Then we were approached about adopting twins who were due in December, again domestic adoption. I jumped, knowing I had a nursery set for two, once again, heart first. We celebrated holidays, a precious visit from my second oldest daughter from Oregon, and still waited. Birth mom choose another family. Obviously, this was not how God was going to add to our family. He clearly was telling us to wait. My mom heart grieved, but I really wanted to be faithful to the path that God had placed us on. It was just hard to see the empty cribs, and I contemplated taking them down so the constant reminder was not there. Would an empty nursery feel any more comforting? The cribs remain.

A new year dawned, making this wait well over the expected pregnancy phase. Our social worker had emergency surgery, recovery time and other clients. I wanted to be strong and faithful, but I was wavering. Big time. I heard the voices of others in my head, questioning our intent, our plan, the path we were walking. But in my heart, I still saw the big brown eyes peering out of an orphanage crib, and God continued to ease the emptiness in my heart that cried out to bring the babies home.

An email that said "your homestudy has been approved and copies will be in the mail this week" brought all the year past into focus. I do not know the children God is preparing for us, but this is a major step in the right direction. Our next hurdles are the immigration paperwork, fingerprinting, and dossier preparation. Most of that paperwork is completed, just waiting for the homestudy piece that was needed to go with it to the next level.

So, what have we learned? I can't speak for Mike, but for me, waiting for something to happen does not mean that God has changed His mind. For all my questions, tears and fears, God has remained steady, pushing us gently on our path. That's the main thing. Secondly, International Adoption is hard. It's time consuming, and I have to be careful that is doesn't consume my entire life. Life with 10 kids will be hectic, unpredictable, and consuming enough, so adding the IA piece will not make anything else easier. Over the year (plus) we have had opportunity to teach the kids more about the country we will be bringing home our children from. Nicole has done reports for school on Ethiopia. Bella hopes on a daily basis that we will get our babies today, and the other kids have had time to adjust their thinking on what life will be like when we add more children to the mix.

Has it been a good year? Yes.
Was it a hard year? Exceptionally.
Is it over yet? Nope.
But like Mike said when he read the email from Mary Beth, "It feels we are moving again."
Might I add, "in the right direction." Finally. In the right direction.

Waiting

I think we are all getting anxious for the Ethiopian adoptions to proceed. It feels like we have been waiting for this "pregnancy" to end much too long!!

Bella has a comment to make nearly every day about the "new babies." She sees the cribs set up, blankets folded neatly, waiting to wrap up our treasures. She sees bottles and pacifiers in the store, and begs me to purchase them so that we can get them home "for our babies." She plays with her dolls, calling them "Africa" or "Opia." She asks to see pictures of our babies on the computer. Every baby in the stores, in her mind, is fair game and she doesn't understand why we can't take them home.

I hear you, Bella. I feel the same urgency!!

We got news late last week that our placing agency in Oregon finally received a first draft of our homestudy. Our social worker suggested some changes and sent it back to the homestudy agency in Michigan. I hope that means we could expect to receive a finished report some time this coming week. I can not express how frustrating this whole process has been the entire 2009 year. But now it seems as if we are nearing the close to that chapter, which allows us to move on, finally, to the next stage.

We knew when we started the process that International Adoption would not be easy. We knew it could be frustrating, time consuming, and a ton of paperwork. We have done our part, completing hours of training, determined to see this through to the children God has waiting for us across the world. I read stories of families who have been on this adoption path for years, waiting for government approvals, or to get to the top of waiting lists, and I wonder how they keep their spirits up. It is hard to wait. And wait. And wait. So far we are just waiting on paperwork. So out of our control.

Life continues. I pray daily for ways to make a difference in lives around me. In my home, in my family, in my neighborhood, in my church. I know somewhere in Ethiopia is a family in distress, making difficult decisions for their children. Perhaps they are struggling with life threatening illness, and they hope for a safe place for their children to grow and thrive. Maybe they have already taken their last breath, and children have been shuffled to an orphanage that is overwhelmed with the needs of the many others in the same situation. I don't know what our childrens story will be. But I know there is a story forming now, that will impact the lives of our future children, and our lives as well.

I am trusting our God to protect the children who may be waiting for us, and I am hoping He finds me faithful to complete the things I need to do here in the meantime.

2010 is a new year. I hope this year we can bring our children home.

Perspective

"For 19.99 you get the amazing brownie pan...perfectly cut brownies everytime!"

My kids want this pan really bad. They also wanted the BIG TOP cupcake pan. So I bought it at the drugstore in a moment of weakness when I went in to pick up a gallon of milk. On TV it looks like it's HUGE, but in actuality, I am wondering if it will even hold a full cake mix.

But, since we have at least one birthday a month all year long, it seemed like a harmless expense. Tara's birthday will be the first one to test it on, and she's thinking we will need to make 3 cakes for all the people at her party.

All the people, Tara? We celebrate birthdays with siblings and grandparents, so I think one cake will be enough. But since she opened the box and saw how little the BIG TOP really is, she's thinking how much cake she will have. I wonder if she is going to be an event coordinator some day? Definately is making her way towards being the baker in this group of kids.

Everytime the brownie pan infomercial comes on, one of the kids tell me how much we need that. (And the touch toothpaste container that means you can put the paste on your brush with just one hand!!)

None of the little ones really have a clue what "the low price of $19.99" really means, since they are just learning that a dollar spent at the thrift shop doesn't include the state sales tax. So much to learn.

But Tommy saw the brownie pan commercial this morning, and used a new approach. Instead of saying,"we really need that, Mom" or, "we do bake alot of brownies!" or,
"that would make it alot easier for you, mom," he tried a whole different angle.

"How old are you, Mom?" Because if you were 18 or older you could buy that pan."
When I asked him how old did he think I was, he said, "Probably 17."

I am gonna get him that pan. We DO make alot of brownies around here, after all!